Drive Page 17
His pissed off expression fell away. “What happened?”
The bartender slid two bottles toward us and I picked mine up, taking a long drink.
“She’s moving to New York for some stupid fucking job,” I said bitterly.
“New York? Sadie?” Luke shook his head. “Man, Dell’s gonna be crushed. And Kyler.”
“And me,” I reminded him.
“What the hell is up with you guys? How long has this been going on?”
I shrugged. “A while. I haven’t been with anyone but her since I got here. We spent Christmas together.”
“This is ironic,” Luke said, smiling. “You wanted to bag her and now you’re the one broken up about things.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty fuckin’ funny,” I said, glaring at him. “Glad my misery amuses you.”
“You’re sure you love her?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Otherwise I don’t think I’d feel like someone stabbed me in the heart when I found out she was moving.”
Luke’s expression sobered. “I’m sorry, man. Can you guys keep seeing each other?”
“I don’t want to meet up and fuck once a month.”
“It’s better than nothing,” he mused. “What do you want, then?”
“I want to be with her. Or I did. I’m fucking pissed at her at the moment.”
“But if she was staying? What would you want?”
I took another long swig of the beer. “I want as much as she’s willing to give me. I fucking love her. When I tried to stay away from her, it just made me crazy.”
“Have you guys talked?”
“I was leaving her place when I texted you to meet me here. But there’s nothing more to say. I put it all out on the table, and she doesn’t want me.”
“I don’t know what to say, man. Seems like you guys would be good for each other, if you’re ready to stop whoring around.”
“We can’t be good for each other if we live in different states.” I finished the last of my beer and set the empty bottle on the bar. “Let’s get out of here, I don’t need to be getting drunk in the middle of the day.”
Luke nodded and set some cash on the bar. He clapped me on the shoulder. Had this talk helped? I didn’t even know. The only person I wanted to talk to was Sadie, but it was no use. Just as fast and unexpectedly as love had hit me, it was leaving.
***
Sadie
The face staring back at me in the bathroom mirror said it all. Eyes red and swollen, dark circles beneath them, and the corners of my mouth tugging down in a frown. I was supposed to be excited about the next chapter of my life, but instead I’d cried myself to sleep last night.
I had no energy for the packing I needed to do or the story on Ireland I needed to finish. I just wanted to go back to sleep so I could stop picturing Niko’s hurt expression when he’d left my apartment last night.
A knock sounded on my door and my heart thudded in response. If it was him, I’d run into his arms. I needed things to be okay with him again.
“Come in,” I called, watching the door as it opened. My hopes were dashed when Dell and Kate walked in. Their smiles dropped away when they looked at me.
Dell practically ran to me, tossing a roll of packing tape and her purse on the kitchen counter. She pulled me into her arms, where I cried some more.
“I hate this,” I said miserably. “Niko and I had a big fight. I know this is the right decision, but it fucking sucks.”
“Of course it is.” Dell pulled back and brushed her fingers over my cheeks. “Only you know what the right decision is. You can’t make this choice based on what Niko wants or what I want.”
“You?” I furrowed my brows, confused. “We’ll be friends no matter where I am.”
She offered a reassuring smile. “Of course we will. I’ll just miss having you here, where we can be together all the time. Especially now.”
“Why now?”
She placed a hand over her stomach and grinned. My mouth dropped open and I pressed both hands over it in shock.
“You’re pregnant?”
She nodded, beaming with happiness.
“You’re pregnant!” I cried, turning to Kate. “She’s pregnant!”
“That’s amazing,” Kate said, coming over for a huge group hug. “Congratulations, Dell.”
“You didn’t know yet?” I asked Kate, who shook her head.
“Only Luke and Kyler know. I wanted to tell them and you before anyone else,” Dell said.
I burst into fresh tears. “You and Niko are making this really fucking hard … and congratulations, by the way.”
“I don’t want you to go, but I’m trying to be supportive,” Dell said. “It just won’t be the same without you here.”
I pulled out a beaten up barstool from beneath my small breakfast bar, one of the few pieces of furniture left in the apartment I’d terminated my lease on. I wanted to talk this out, but I was too emotionally drained to even think of any words.
“You said you know this is the right decision,” Kate said, leaning against the kitchen counter. “How do you know?”
I looked at her, surprised. “I just … it’s a great job. I should want things like decent insurance and paid vacation. I’m trying to be a responsible adult.”
“But there are jobs with those things around here, too, right? Sorry, I’m playing devil’s advocate here. It’s the counselor in me.”
“No, it’s good,” I said softly. “It’s good to have someone to talk to rationally about this. I guess, now that you mention it, yeah, there are jobs here with those things.”
“Is it the prestige of that newspaper?” she asked. “The fact that it’s New York, publishing capital of the world? That would be a factor for a lot of writers, I’m sure.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m not about that. If I can make a good living writing, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“This is just something to think about … it would be good to make a mental list of what you’re moving toward. What’s there, in New York, that is important to you? You want to make sure you’re moving toward something you feel good about, instead of moving away from something you feel scared about.”
“Scared?” I scoffed and waved a hand. “What would I possibly have to be scared of?”
“Heartbreak?”
I glared at her and crossed my arms across my chest. “You’re overanalyzing. No one is in a position to break my heart. I’m alone.”
“Exactly.” She crossed her arms over her chest, too. “There, you’ll be alone. Safe. Here, not so much. Niko seems to have broken through some sort of wall, and that seems to scare you.”
“You don’t even know me,” I said, looking at Dell for reinforcement. “That is so not me. Tell her.”
Dell’s expression was contrite. “I guess I never thought about it like that, but what she’s saying makes a lot of sense.”
“I know all about avoiding potentially painful situations,” Kate said softly. “I mastered it once upon a time. And I know I’m not as close to you as Dell is, but I care about you. I admire you. You’re resilient, strong and loyal. Life’s knocked you down. I know about that, too. But trust me, getting up and fighting again is so worth it.”
“It’s too late,” I said, my eyes welling with tears as I waved a hand around the apartment. “I gave up my apartment and most of my stuff is on the way to New York. Niko already knows I chose a job over him.”
“It’s never too late,” Dell said, wrapping an arm around me. “Never. If you go there and don’t like it, you’re moving in with us.”
“Luke would love that,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“He wouldn’t mind in the least,” Dell said. “We all love you, Sadie. Why can’t you accept that? Why can’t you take the same love and loyalty you’re so good at giving?”
“You two.” I laughed softly. “I love you, but I’m completely drained. Let’s get the last of this stuff packed and go to Lucky’s one last time.”
/> “Your flight’s tomorrow?”
I nodded and wiped my fingertips under my eyes to dry them. “In the morning. These last few boxes will be shipped to me.”
Dell wrapped an arm around me. “If this is your last night here, let’s make it a happy one.”
I smiled and hugged her. “It’ll be happy, because we’ll be celebrating your good news.”
Her look of pure joy made me want to toughen up and stay positive. This was our night to focus on her new addition and my new beginning. I was determined to be optimistic about this job.
***
I breathed a sigh of relief as I leaned my head back against the airplane seat. I was exhausted in every way. Hopefully I’d sleep through the flight to New York, but it seemed unlikely. My mind was racing. I’d hardly slept last night, instead spending most of it crying and fighting my urge to call Niko.
But what would I say to him? I didn’t know, so I hadn’t called. I just wanted to hear his voice.
Kate and Dell’s words were still ringing in my mind. Was I running from Niko? It sounded irrational — I was crazy about him. But I couldn’t deny that Kate’s assessment of me had hit home.
What I was feeling went beyond being scared. It wasn’t the nervous jitters of a new relationship. It was a deep, overpowering worry that I’d lose him, too. My family had slipped away in an instant. Mom hugged me, told me to make sure I let the dog out while they were gone, and I never saw her again.
Being alone was hard, but at the same time, predictable. There was no way anyone could ever let me down this way. But the image of Dell with her hand on her stomach had given me a pang of longing. She’d put herself out there, and now she had a beautiful family to show for it.
“Did you want the window seat, honey? And do you want gum?”
I glanced up to see the woman in the window seat holding a pack of gum out toward the man sitting between us. He barely looked up from his magazine as he took the stick of gum she offered and nodded. I stepped into the aisle so they could swap seats.
“Want some?” she asked me, still holding the gum. I took a piece and thanked her. Everyone was buckling their seatbelts for takeoff, and I followed suit.
The woman next to me leaned forward, trying to get her coat off. She shifted and twisted in an effort to free one of her arms. But since we were packed in here like sardines, she could barely even move. She sighed with frustration, an arm caught inside a coat sleeve.
“Here,” I said, holding the sleeve so she could pull her arm free.
I couldn’t help looking at her boyfriend or husband, whichever he was. He was still reading his magazine, paying no attention to her obvious need for help.
If that was Niko …
The thought made me swallow hard with realization. If that was Niko, I’d be sitting in the window seat with my coat off right now. He was the most attentive man I’d ever been with.
I leaned into the aisle, getting the attention of a flight attendant. She approached me with arched brows and I smiled at her.
“Hi. Um, I’d like to change my mind about this flight,” I said.
She furrowed her brow. “What do you mean? You want to upgrade? I’m afraid first class is full, ma’am.”
“No, I mean the flight in general. I don’t want to go to New York. Can I get off the plane?”
“It’s too late for that,” she said, her tone indicating she thought I was mentally imbalanced. “We’ve been cleared for takeoff.”
“Okay.” I leaned back against the seat, wondering how the hell I’d gotten here. When had I started to see being alone as a twisted sort of security? Niko made me feel anything but alone. I just hoped I hadn’t pushed him away for good.
***
Niko
I wanted to kick in the glass cover to the jukebox at Lucky’s and rip its electronic controls out. Fucking thing. Every song it played reminded me of Sadie. The one playing right now, ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi, was on my last goddamned nerve.
“Hey there,” a sultry female voice said. Lauren. Great. I’d taken a cab here because I was planning to get so drunk I couldn’t drive home. I didn’t want company.
“Hey,” I said, not turning away from my beer. It was only my second one, and stopping for polite conversation would only slow me down.
“Drinking away your troubles?” She took the open seat next to me and arched her skinny eyebrows.
“Something like that.”
“What could possibly be bothering a big, sexy hockey player like you?” she crooned, running a fingertip along my forearm. “You can have anything your heart desires.”
My low note of laughter wasn’t from amusement. “I wish.”
“Where’s what’s her name?”
“It’s Sadie. And she’s not here.”
Lauren smiled and leaned in closer. “I see that. Anything I can do to help?”
I shook my head. “Thanks anyway.”
Her pout annoyed the shit out of me. “Come on. I heard you were fun, but I sure haven’t seen that side of you since you got here.”
I shrugged. “Sadie took me by surprise. Before I came here, I’d have taken you home any night of the week, Lauren.”
“Such a tease.” Her finger was back on my arm. “Do you want a blow job?”
“No,” I said, cringing.
“What, am I not pretty enough for you?” she said sarcastically, pulling her hand away.
“Lauren. Come on. I’m pissed off and bummed out and I just want to drink. You’re a nice person and I wouldn’t feel right about getting a random blow job from you, okay?”
“But what if I want to? It was my idea.”
“Look, I’m in love with someone. I can’t think that way about anyone but her right now.”
Lauren scoffed and gave me a knowing look. “But she’s not here, is she? I heard she moved to New York. Maybe you need to move on.”
I tipped my beer bottle up to my lips and finished it. “She doesn’t have to be here for me to be in love with her.”
Lauren looked over my shoulder and rolled her eyes. “Oh, isn’t this just romantic?”
“What?” I asked, holding my bottle in the air to order another beer.
“She’s here.”
***
Sadie
It was a good thing this place was called Lucky’s, because I needed all the luck I could get right now. I’d waited four hours at the airport for a return flight and was now out more than $800 for airfare over a job I wasn’t taking after all.
My heart leapt from my chest when I saw Niko’s broad back at the bar, covered by his leather jacket. I’d missed him so much. Between Ireland, my interview and our falling out, we’d hardly seen each other for two weeks.
Lauren’s face twisted with a dirty look in my direction, and Niko craned his neck, meeting my gaze. I was breathless after tossing some cash at the cab driver and jumping out of his car at a stoplight because I couldn’t stand to wait any longer. I’d run the final block here.
“Sadie.” Niko jumped up from his seat and rested his hands on my shoulders, his eyes wide with concern. “What happened? Are you okay?”
He was worried about me. After all that had happened, if I needed him right now, he’d be there. The thought made my heart swell with sadness and longing. A fresh batch of tears slipped down my cheeks.
“I don’t want to go,” I said, feeling full-on sobs approaching. “I want you to be my someone. I mean, you already are my someone. Only I’ve acted like it doesn’t even matter. Like you can just find your someone anytime you feel like it. And you can’t. Having a someone is a big deal. Even though I’m scared of losing you, I don’t want to give up my someone just because of that.”
Niko’s eyes softened and he raised his hands to my neck, brushing it softly and placing his thumbs on my cheeks.
“You’re afraid of losing me?”
A heavy sigh sounded next to him, and I turned. The impossibly tall, skinny woman next to him was glaring at me.
Niko put a hand on my cheek, turning my face back to him and looking down at me. “No, Sade. I only have one someone, and it’s you.”
Hope and happiness flowed through me, and I couldn’t help letting a few more tears slip past.
“Do you still love me?” I asked softly. “Because I love you. I love you so much that I ran away, but it was stupid.”
He lowered his face close to mine, a smile playing on his lips. “Of course I love you. I should’ve been … clear about that. I’m sorry.”
I smiled, my body weakening with relief. “So I’m staying. And it’s not too late.”
A flicker of something passed over Niko’s face.
“What?” I said, a thread of panic winding its way back into my chest.
He looked like he was thinking for a couple seconds, and a thousand doom and gloom scenarios played out in my head. He wasn’t ready for a relationship after all. He wanted me to prioritize my career. He wanted us to have a long-distance relationship.
He spoke into my ear. “I’ve, uh … been talking to the team owner about trading me to New York.”
I pulled back, the shock leaving me dazed. “What? You mean …? For me?”
“You don’t think I’d let my someone slip away without a fight, do you? Don’t you remember? I love you, my sun.”
I stood up on my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him with all the love I’d been afraid was lost forever.
“Here or there or back in Russia for all I care, I want to be wherever you are,” I said. “You’re my sun, too.”
Niko pulled back and met my gaze. “I promise to tell you every day how much I love you – in English.”
A smile crept across my face. “You can say it in Russian, too. That’s really hot.”
His eyes sparkled in the sexy way that drew me in from that first moment in the hotel bar.
“You want me to talk Russian to you instead of talking dirty, moye solntse?”