Do You Like My Wiener?: A non-expert's no-nonsense guide to dating Read online

  It can be frustrating and exhausting (though that’s true of all dating).

  Some people don’t feel safe or comfortable going out with a stranger.

  I know there are probably more pros and cons, but those are the high points.

  I think it bears noting that while many people feel apprehensive about online dating at first, it gets easier. I promise. If you commit to the process, you’ll get adept at reaching out to men, responding to their messages, meeting up for dates, getting rejected, and doing the rejecting. It’s never fun when it doesn’t work out, but knowing you can handle it is a very good thing.

  Bottom line: what do you have to lose?

  The Options

  There are so many dating sites out there these days. I’m not going to name any because I don’t have experience with some of them, and it seems unfair to call them out. But it’s important that you choose a site that’s in line with what you want.

  Some apps out there are strictly for hooking up. If that’s truly what you want, go for it. But don’t use one of those sites thinking your hookup is likely to become a relationship. I’d venture to say most guys on those sites aren’t relationship material. And I don’t care if they’re hot. If you want a relationship and they clearly don’t, you’re wasting your time. If you think you can change him, well . . . bless your heart.

  There are sites that cater to religious preference, age, occupation, and all sorts of other categories. If a site is exclusively about people who are what you’re looking for and you want to try it, do, but know that the niche-ier a site is, the smaller the pool of bachelors will be. Those sites work best in big cities.

  There are some mainstream sites out there that boast huge numbers of users. If you ask a few friends what dating sites they’ve heard of or used, you’re likely to hear about one of these. A site like that is a good a place to start because you’ll find more prospective dates.

  If you want to try online dating without spending any money, you’ll have a hard time communicating with anyone you’re interested in. Many sites allow you to set up a profile for free, but communicating requires a membership.

  If you feel self-conscious about the whole world being able to see your dating profile, there are sites that allow you to hide your profile for an extra fee. No one can see your profile then, unless you want them to see it and you initiate contact. For some women, this is worth the extra money, not just for privacy, but so they never have to field messages from men they aren’t interested in.

  And on that note, there will be messages from men you aren’t interested in. Lots of men cast wide nets and hope to catch someone. You’re under no obligation to communicate with anyone, though. More on that later.

  I’ve been on lots of dates with men I met online. Almost all of them were good, professional guys who just weren’t the one for me. I find online dating to be direct and efficient. And if you’re just looking to put yourself back out there and get into the swing of dating again, it can be lots of fun.

  No, really. It can. If I haven’t sold you yet, just think about it. And remember this—I tell all my girlfriends that every date will either be good, or it will go in my Wiener book. Yours will either be good, or you can come raise a glass with other single girls at my site doyoulikemywiener.com. By sharing your bad dating stories there, you’ll get to laugh and probably make others laugh, too.

  Misery shared is misery halved, right?

  “If a woman asked me out for the first date? I’d be like ‘Fuck yeah, let’s go.’”—Kyle, 41

  ONCE YOU’RE READY to jump into the online dating pool, you’re going to need a profile. You may be dreading this part, but it’s really not that bad. Here are some dos and don’ts to help you create a profile that will attract good guys.

  It’s important that you not throw something together quickly just because you don’t know what to say or you’re eager to get on to seeing the prospective dates on a site. It’s essential that your profile be a thoughtful reflection of how great you are.

  You’ll have to answer a series of questions, more on some sites and less on others. Be completely honest when answering these, both in terms of who you are and what you’re looking for. Some questions are simple—your height, religion, occupation, etc., and others are more subjective. Defining your body type is no fun, and it can make a girl feel like a specimen instead of a human being. But unfortunately, that’s part of it, and men have to do it too.

  Some of the questions you’ll have to answer will involve more than just checking a box. You’ll have to write full sentences and paragraphs about what you like, enjoy, and are looking for. This can be daunting if writing isn’t your jam. If you need to, ask a friend who is better at it to sit with you and help, or if you can run some things past her via email or message.

  If you think this part is tough, you aren’t alone. But don’t take the easy way out and leave things blank or just write a few words. Men are drawn to women who stand out and show their personalities in their profile.

  A critical part of your profile is the summary of who you are and what you’re looking for. Again, take the time and get the help to make sure yours shines. You don’t want it to be full of misspelled words. I know it’s unfair to be judged on something like that, but it happens. Your profile is the only glimpse prospective dates will get of who you are.

  So what’s good information to include in a profile? I think it’s most important that it gives men a look at your unique personality.

  If you’re funny, show it. Shy at first, but an open book once you get to know someone? Say so. New to the whole online dating scene? Hey, it’s more than okay to admit that.

  Use your profile to tell prospective dates who you are, what you enjoy and, what’s important to you. If you love dogs, volunteer for a charity, or like to run 5Ks, this is a great place to mention that.

  If you have the gift of wit, use it, but balance it with sincerity. This isn’t a comedy routine. You want men to find you clever, but also approachable and real.

  Give guys openings to strike up a conversation with you. Mention that you love hiking, movies, or traveling, and they’ll be able to ask where you like to hike, what your favorite movies are, and where your dream destination is anyway. Remember, this is your chance to be warm and approachable.

  If you aren’t sure what your best qualities are, ask your tribe or some close family members. And if you still don’t have a long list, don’t worry. Keep it real. It’s okay to say, “I’m a single mom, so . . . what’s free time? Ha! When I do have a night to myself, I like to unwind with a nice dinner and great conversation.”

  Don’t feel bound to any set of profile rules, and FFS, don’t steal a profile online and pretend you wrote it. You are great, so be you.

  Though there are no rules, I do have a few hard and fast don’ts for your dating profile.

  Don’t be negative. At all. It’s such a turnoff. Do not, under any circumstances, complain about or even mention any exes or past relationships in your profile. It reeks of “still not over it,” no matter how you word it. Not even if you’re trying to be funny.

  Instead of, “I love Hawaii, and I hope to one day return there with someone I like, rather than my douche ex-husband,” just say, “I love Hawaii. Hiking the volcanoes there was one of the best experiences of my life.”

  In addition to not mentioning exes, also don’t mention past experiences with online dating. Something like, “Well, giving this a hundredth shot in hopes there may actually be some good guys out there,” is just a big womp, womp, womp.

  Another big no is being disdainful of online dating in your profile. “I can’t believe I’ve sunk to online dating” is guaranteed to go over like a lead balloon when your audience is entirely made up of people who are online dating.

  Your profile isn’t a resume. You may feel an urge to list your many accomplishments, which you should certainly be proud of, but remember, those things aren’t really who you are.

  There ar
e some obvious things people mention not wanting in their profiles that are pretty universal and don’t need noting. “Not looking for drama or games” is a good example.

  It’s good to be comprehensive and give prospective dates a good look at you, but don’t go on and on and on. Leave things for them to ask you.

  Keep your profile focused on what you do want, not what you don’t.

  I make an exception for an issue that is deeply important to you. If you’re adamantly opposed to something like being with a smoker or a gun enthusiast, it’s okay to mention that, but keep it short and simple. “Smoking is a deal-breaker for me” will work. Religion also falls into this category. If it’s crucial to you that someone shares

  your religion, or lack thereof, you can say that, but again, keep it short.

  Another don’t is embellishing. Don’t claim you adore traveling and are looking for a partner to trot the globe with unless that’s truly the case. I know you want to sound amazing, but you’re amazing just as you are. If you like reading and Netflix, I guarantee there are men out there who will love that. Snagging an incompatible partner isn’t going to be a win in the long run.

  The final step in creating your profile is uploading photos. You may not want to put any up, but if you’re taking the time to answer all those questions and write all those summaries, and you’re paying for a membership, you need to. Men are far more likely to reach out and respond to you if you have photos up.

  For your primary profile photo, use a straightforward photo of just you. A headshot or a pic of just your lovely, smiling face is good. It’s okay if it’s a selfie. It’s also okay if you have to take 421 selfies to get one you like enough to use.

  Lighting filters are okay, as long as they don’t dramatically change your appearance. A Snapchat photo of you with ears and giant eyes is not okay for this. Be you. Men like confidence, and you can radiate that in a photo.

  For secondary photos, post fun shots that show your personality. It’s okay to be a little more creative with these. You can post pics of you with friends or on a fun vacation, whatever helps tell the story of who you are. You don’t have to add many, just four or five total photos will work great.

  Your photos need to be recent. Just like you want to know what men look like in this decade, they want an accurate representation of you. If you were more attractive when you were younger, well . . . join the club. I want you to own who you are right now, because honestly, you’re pretty great.

  Once your profile is done, join the dating site and let the fun begin! Okay, that’s an exaggeration. But seriously, you’re on the right track now. Reward yourself for all that hard work with a glass of wine, a new book, or something else that makes you feel good.

  “You can Google me if you want to see my mug shot.”—Sam, over dessert on our first date

  SO NOW THAT your profile is done, you can start checking out your options. I recommend looking through men’s profiles rather than just waiting to see who comes to you.

  This is the easy part—you know what you’re looking for in a man, right? In general, we all do. But before you dive into the man pool, I want you to take some time to think about it. This is your chance to do things differently from what you’ve done before so that you can find something like you’ve never had before.

  A list is a good way to start thinking about this. Write down the things that are nonnegotiable for you in a partner. It can be anything, from qualities to physical appearance. I urge you to keep an open mind about this and stick to substantive things.

  I can’t tell you what should be important to you, because we’re all individuals who get to make that decision for ourselves. And truly, what we’re all looking for in a partner varies depending on what stage of life we’re in.

  That said, remember this, doll: Washboard abs won’t hold you close and listen as you cry because you’ve just lost your job. A full head of hair will never be your best friend. A perfect smile won’t make you feel cherished.

  Focus on what matters. A man who is a 10 in the looks department may make your heart flutter, but a man who makes you laugh, holds your hand when no one is looking, and is or will be a devoted father can be a lifelong partner. Attraction is not just physical.

  Your list will likely include things like honesty and integrity, and those are good qualities to include. However, you can’t filter your matches on a dating site to only show you the honest ones (unfortunately!)

  To help with online dating, here are some points to consider about what you want in a partner:

  Does it matter to you what he does for a living?

  Do you care whether he has children from a previous relationship?

  Do you want him to know for sure whether he wants to have children?

  Does his level of education matter to you?

  Are height and body type important to you?

  What distance are you willing to travel, if you’re willing to have a long-distance relationship?

  Once you have a list and you’ve spent some time thinking about what you’re looking for, you may be able to filter your search results based on some of those qualities. Not all sites allow that.

  As you start checking out profiles, you’ll get a feel for personalities based on what you’re seeing. I pass on any profile I can tell the man has put very little effort into, because it’s clear he’s not serious about finding a relationship.

  Some profiles will make you laugh. Others will make you cringe. But stick with it—there are gems hidden in there.

  Everyone tells you who they are—you just have to listen. No, a man won’t say, “I’m an egomaniac who inflates my accomplishments to make myself sound better than I am,” but if that’s the truth, he’ll tell you in his own way.

  I’ve looked at a lot of men’s profiles, and I’ve learned a thing or two about interpreting what they say without saying it. Here are a few translations for you:

  “I like to go on dates that don’t break the bank. I’ve never been rich, and I lost my ass in my divorce and now have to pay child support. $$$$”

  Bitter, party of one?

  “Been at this dating thing for a while, and I’m about to give up. Is it asking too much that a woman be fit, attractive, successful, and not already have kids???”

  I’m a narcissist with unreasonable standards. Date me if you want to order a salad every time we go out or risk getting a dirty look from me.

  “I’m not looking for anything serious.”

  If you date me, know that I will also be trying to date (and possibly sleep with) other women at the same time.

  “I'm lookn to have fun n get to know some people n hang out if something comes just hanging out and it happens but as of now I just like to cuddle n watch movies n play in bed do you like to get a hold of me.”

  I put very little effort into everything, even writing sentences. If you want to be used, call me maybe?

  “I’ve got all the finer things in life—fancy cars, big house, expensive vacations—now I just need someone to share it with.”

  I’m not even a little bit modest. Expect me to constantly hint about how much money I have, which isn’t actually as much as I want you to believe it is.

  When They Lie (Even if They’re Honest about It)

  Sounds weird, right? Men who are honest about lying? But in the online dating world, it’s a thing.

  I’ve read quite a few profiles from men whose age is listed at, say, 51. Then I’m reading their summary, and at the end, it will say something like, “By the way, my real age is 60. I look and feel like I’m in my forties, though. Most of my friends are in their forties, too.”

  These profiles get my WTF look. (Picture a furrowed brow and an open mouth.) It’s not attractive to reel people in under false pretenses.

  Other men are cagier about it. I was talking to a guy I’d met online on the phone for the first time, and I was just making conversation by saying, “So, you’re 48?”

  Him: “No, I’m 51. I need
to change that.”

  WTF face once again. You enter your birthdate on dating websites, and as long as you enter the true one, your age will always be correct. The only way it’s ever wrong is if you lied about your birthdate.

  Another popular lie is marital status. It’s disgusting, but there are married people on dating sites. Some are dating on the sly, and others are separated and not divorced. They may fess up and say, “I say I’m divorced in my profile because women didn’t want to go out with me when it said separated.”

  Those women had every right to make that decision for themselves. Even a lie that seems justifiable is still a lie.

  Some people say posting old photos of yourself is a form of lying. I disagree. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a good idea to use old photos of yourself. But as long as it’s really you in the photos, you aren’t lying.

  If a man reveals to you that anything in his profile was untrue, move on. Liars gonna lie, both in their profiles and to your face.

  Let’s Talk about Flex

  In men’s profiles, gym selfies are often a thing. Personally, I don’t get it. It seems like the old tree in the woods analogy . . . If a man works out and doesn’t document it with sweaty, smoldering selfies, did it really happen?

  I like a man’s main profile pic to show his face and include a shirt. In secondary photos, if they show a photo of themselves working out at the gym, that’s no problem. But when there are multiple gym and bathroom selfies, I get . . . less interested. It’s not about what his chest and abs look like for me. It’s about vanity.

  If you don’t mind lots of gym selfies, I’m okay with that. But know this: the more shirtless selfies in a man’s profile, the higher the likelihood of you getting unwanted dick pics, at least in my very unscientific research on this subject.

  Cheap Mofos

  On every site, you’ll encounter these gems. Some people may be more tolerant of it than I am, but it makes me roll my eyes and move on every single time.