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  They can’t say, “Hey, hit me up at [email protected],” because the dating sites catch those quickly and delete them. They also can’t give out their phone number for the same reason. Dating sites aren’t in the business of letting some people skate by without paying, or they wouldn’t last long.

  So cheap mofos turn into Secret Agent Men. They’ll give you some riddle like, “If you know the site where mail is hot, you can reach me there at BestManEver.” Or, “If you’re smart, you can take the name BestManEver, add the at sign, and then the site that starts with the next to last letter of the alphabet, followed by the first letter of the alphabet, and the word hoo.”

  Really, dude?

  If you want to reach out to a Secret Agent Man, that’s okay. Just know he is probably using every dating site out there and you’re going in knowing this guy’s probably cheap and likely not very serious about finding a partner.

  Scammers

  There are scammers on dating sites, both posing as males and females. If you get fooled by one, you aren’t alone. Some scammers do a pretty good job of coming off as real.

  Typically, scammer profiles will only have one photo. That photo will be a stolen one of an incredibly attractive person. Sometimes they use celebrities. The profiles will often be short, perfunctory, and inarticulate.

  A cardiologist who “like loving and caring you” is probably not legit. Scammers are often quick to reach out, and they like to move quickly.

  If someone asks for your number or gives you theirs immediately, be suspicious. Maybe they’ll say it’s easier for them to communicate outside the app or they don’t check messages often. That’s a red flag.

  Be protective of your personal information. And if you give information to someone and later feel suspicious of them, don’t hesitate to contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

  If you encounter a scammer, the best thing to do is report their profile and move on.

  “You know how much I'd just love to have a man wrap his arms around me and hold me? GAH!”—Emmie, 42

  YOU’VE STARTED LOOKING at men’s profiles, and they’re starting to check yours out too. What now?

  There are usually ways to “like” a profile, photo, or even a specific section of someone’s profile. That’s a low-key way to show a man you’re interested. If you like him, I recommend doing at least that.

  Or, if you’re feeling braver, you can send him a message. This is the best way to get his attention and show him you’re interested. It also lets him know you’re confident, which men find very attractive.

  Some people send out a first message that just says “Hi.” Others write out several paragraphs. I recommend something in between the two. No matter what you decide to say, it will probably feel a little awkward.

  It’s important that your message be personal. You don’t want a man to feel like he’s getting the same copy/pasted message you sent to countless others. Say hi and ask him about something from his profile. Keep it light. Don’t tell him he looks like your ex or ask him if he wants to go out with you. This is just breaking the ice.

  When he gets the message, he will likely check out your profile. On many sites, you can see who looks at your profile. And then, you’ll either get a message back, or you won’t.

  First, let’s talk about when you do. It’s a great feeling to get a notification email that someone you’re interested in wrote back to you. Occasionally, he may say thanks for reaching out but that he’s not interested. That stings, but at least you know. And remember, there are many, many more men out there.

  Most often, he will be interested, and this will be the start of some back-and-forth messages between the two of you. This will tell you quite a bit about the kind of person he is. Are you getting to know him better? Is he asking questions about you and showing interest in what you say?

  Don’t answer any questions you aren’t comfortable answering. If he wants details about where you live or work, and you aren’t ready to give them, don’t feel any pressure to do so. You have a right to keep your identity private for as long as you want, and you don’t owe anyone any explanations for it.

  It’s standard to send several back-and-forth messages within the app/site. Be wary of a man who immediately asks for your number. This is the part where you feel each other out a little bit. He may only message once a day, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean he isn’t all that interested. You want a man with a full, happy life of his own, not one who is latching on too soon.

  If things are going well with the messages, he may ask you out. Or, he may ask for your number so you guys can text or talk outside the app/site. You may want to ask for his last name and check him out before giving him your number or agreeing to a date. There’s a wealth of information available on the internet. You can verify that he works where he says he does and potentially find out if there’s anything in his background that’s a deal-breaker for you.

  I’m not going into great detail about how to look into men you meet on dating sites, because there’s no guaranteed way to completely vet anyone. I’m a former reporter, and I know how to check people out. I do, every time. I also rely on my instincts, which have guided me well. You should do what makes you comfortable, and if someone gives you a weird feeling, listen to that feeling.

  A good guy will want you to be comfortable. You’ll be able to be honest with him if you’re nervous or are having reservations. He will understand. He’ll ask you to meet him in a public place for your first date, not his place or yours.

  Rejection Sucks

  Sometimes, you send out a message or a like, and you don’t get anything in return. And while it feels bad, you can’t let it get you down. You don’t know why a man didn’t message you back, but whatever his reasons, he wasn’t the right one for you.

  You’ll get messages from men you aren’t interested in, too. Maybe you’ll choose to respond and tell them thanks, but no thanks. Maybe you’d rather just not respond. That’s your decision. Not responding does not make you a mean person.

  Rejection will happen. That’s why it’s crucial that you keep an open mind and not stake all your hope in just one man. Send out lots of likes and messages. My philosophy is that putting positive energy into the world is a good thing. And eventually, it will pay off.

  When someone isn’t a paying member of a dating site, they usually can’t return messages. So even if you send out a bunch and get no responses, keep your chin up. There are lots of reasons people don’t respond. Maybe they’re seeing someone, but they haven’t deactivated their profile. It doesn’t really matter, because you’re a strong, smart woman, and you’re going to move on to better options.

  You might be tempted to send out a second message if you didn’t get a response the first time. Don’t do that. If he’s available and interested, he would have written back the first time.

  Back and Forth

  It seems logical that a man who is interested in your profile will see it and immediately reach out to you. But it doesn’t always work that way.

  Sometimes, men will look at your profile, then return and look again in a few days, and then again after that. If he’s doing that, there’s definitely some level of interest. If you like him, it might be good to reach out and say hello. But don’t mention that you’ve noticed he looked at your profile six times in the last two weeks. Keep it cool.

  You may find yourself doing that very same thing—returning to look at someone’s profile more than once and finding that your interest grows each time. It’s pretty cool to go out on a date with someone you originally weren’t sure you were into and discover that he’s a great guy you nearly overlooked.

  Moving Forward

  You may decide to exchange numbers with a man so you can keep getting to know each other without going through the app/site. This is another opportunity for you to find out who he is without even asking.

  Does he text you first thing in the morning, again midmorning, in the afternoon, and in the
evening? That might feel good at first. He’s so into you! But be careful. Emotionally healthy and mature people don’t let themselves go crazy over someone they’ve never even met. They have jobs, family, and friends—lives—that don’t revolve around you.

  Be wary of a man who says he has deep feelings for you at this stage. It’s flattering, sure, but your gut should tell you something’s not right. Real feelings take time to grow. At this stage, he should be engaged in your life, and you in his, and hopefully, you’re communicating on a regular basis and getting to know each other better.

  I know talking on the phone is considered pretty uncool these days, but I think it’s more personal than texting. A man who will take the time to chat on the phone is definitely interested in getting to know you better. It’s not something you have to do, but it can be a way to lessen your nervousness before meeting someone in person for the first time.

  Texting Rules

  In this technologically driven era of dating, you likely will have to do some texting with your new love interest. So when you get a new message from him, how long should you wait before responding? Should you reach out by text first on a given day? How often should you text, and how long should your messages be?

  I get it, girl. So many unknowns. None of us want to send the wrong message with our electronic communications. One thing I can tell you is that in interviews I did with men for this book, there was universal agreement among them that they don’t like having their phone blown up with texts. For many of them, this isn’t just a thing in the beginning, but forever.

  I have a BFF I text with off and on all day, every day. But when I’m in that getting to know you but not dating yet stage with a man who texts me long messages all day long, I don’t like it. They expect long messages back about what I’m doing, where I’m going, and even what I’m freaking eating.

  No. Too much, too soon. It’s a huge turnoff for me. I get how men feel about this. It feels like someone is checking up on you constantly, wanting in on every detail of your life.

  A man who is really into you will almost definitely text every day. He will want to say hi, ask how it’s going, maybe tell you a little something about what’s going on with him. If you can, respond to that message within an hour.

  If you don’t have a job or other commitment that keeps you from texting him throughout the day, try to keep yourself busy with other things. Leaving some mystery about yourself will only add to his intrigue.

  If you guys text at night, it’s okay to respond immediately and exchange lots of messages, if that’s your thing. I don’t advise doing it seven days a week for several hours each time, though. Remember, you have a life apart from this guy—keep living it.

  Your potential partner may ask you in this early texting stage to send pics of yourself. He may also offer to send pics of himself. If you listen to nothing else I tell you, please listen to this: don’t even take a photo you’d feel queasy sending to your grandma, let alone send one.

  Men can be convincing. He’s so into you, he finds you so sexy, he’s so turned on by your voice or your messages, and he’s dying to see more of you. But even if you want to send him the pics he’s asking for, DON’T. You don’t know him well enough to trust him with something like that.

  I had a guy get salty over this once. We hadn’t even met yet, and he offered to send me a dick pic and said he wanted pics of me. I told him no thanks to the pic and explained that I don’t even take photos like that, which gives me peace of mind. He sent the DP anyway (shocker) and then told me he was “honestly really disappointed” I wouldn’t send anything back.

  *eyeroll*

  I was honestly disappointed he was such a douchebag. Gross. Men like that are just trolling dating sites for sex. Be savvy, and don’t let yourself be flattered by them.

  Keep Listening

  I know you’re paying attention during this communication process, because you’re a smart girl. You aren’t just reveling in the attention—you’re also deciding if this guy is worth going out with.

  Hopefully, all the signs are good, and you’ll decide he is. But maybe not. Maybe he’s reaching out way too much or not enough. Maybe you found out through texting and talking that he is definitely not over his last relationship. Perhaps he’s made it obvious he wants sex as soon as possible.

  If you don’t have a great feeling, move on. Just because you got to the point of talking more, that doesn’t mean you owe anyone anything. This is just part of the process, and believe me, you’ll just be freeing up your time for a man who does give you a great feeling.

  “He’s super sweet and smart, but . . . he kinda smells like earwax.”—me, telling my tribe about a date

  YOU’VE BEEN MESSAGING and/or talking to a guy for a little while, and it’s time to take the next step: meeting in person. This step can be fun, but it’s often nerve-racking too.

  The good news? It gets easier. The first time you’re meeting someone for a date is the hardest. Keep doing it, though, and soon you’ll be a pro.

  Meeting up for a drink can be a good way to break the ice. It’s low pressure, so you can dash out sooner than if you’re having dinner. I find that dinner, though, is always a great way to really get a feel for someone.

  When setting up a first date, remember to be safe. It’s best to meet up in a public place. Make sure you let a close friend know where you’ll be, and with whom, and text her to keep in touch. And if, at any point, you get a weird feeling, listen to your gut.

  Just the process of setting up a date can help you find out some details about your prospective Mr. Right. Does he ask you when is good for you, and where you’d like to go? A man who messages me asking if I want to meet up that night doesn’t impress me all that much. Sometimes, someone is unexpectedly available and they’ll reach out just in case you’re open, but for the most part, a good guy will see an evening with you as something to plan for. He’ll set a date and time that works well for you, and he will care how you feel about the place you’re meeting.

  Once your plans are in place, you may be wondering if you should still communicate with other men from the dating site you’re on. Yes, you should. You like this guy, but you’re a smart girl who isn’t rushing into anything.

  Getting Ready

  Maybe it’s been a hot minute since you’ve been out on a first date, or any date at all. Maybe you just really like this guy. No matter what your reason, it’s okay to be nervous. I think most of us are more likely to be a bit nervous than not.

  A date is a chance for you to feel good about yourself. For many women, a night out is a rare commodity. Kids, jobs, and life keep us all busy. So, no matter what happens, I say seize the chance to look your very best and spend the evening with an adult. Love connection or not, a night out is fun.

  If you can afford to buy a new outfit or get your hair done, go for it. But even something as small as a new lipstick, paired with the jeans you feel amazing in, can make you feel beautiful. Dress to impress, of course.

  Do you think I mean impress him? Well, that’s hopefully going to happen. But I want you to impress yourself. Don’t ask yourself if your outfit is too this or not that enough for your date. The date is about showing him who you are, not who you think he wants you to be. If your outfit turns him off, he’s not the right guy for you.

  That Super Awkward Moment

  No matter how many first dates I go on, the hardest moment for me is always the same: that moment we initially see each other.

  Hopefully, you’ll immediately recognize each other, but if not, you aren’t the first to do the whole, “Hey, are you . . . ?” thing.

  Yes, you will feel him looking you over. It happens. You may be doing the same thing to him. But this super awkward moment doesn’t last long, and then you’ll be talking.

  You’ll get a quick first impression of him based on how he’s dressed and whether he looks like his profile photos. Hopefully, you’ll be pleased. But if not, be gracious. Don’t be a jerk who makes h
im feel bad. Trust me, the world has enough snarky comments already.

  This is dating. Sometimes it’s a love connection, and sometimes not. But no matter what happens, that’s a human being you’re with. Everyone has feelings, and we reap what we sow. Be kind. I’ve never met any person I couldn’t have a pleasant, hour-long meal with.

  Listen—Really Listen

  I’m going to hit this point several times, because it’s critically important. If you want to find out who this guy you’re on a first date with truly is, don’t expect him just to come out and tell you. Instead, you have to pay attention. You also must listen.

  I was out on a first date with Andrew, an attractive guy with a great smile who had been energetic and friendly in our phone calls and emails. We met up at a sports bar to watch a game and have dinner. And before our food even came, I got some insight into who he truly is.

  He leaned over to me and said, “Hey, look down at the end of the bar. Is that a guy or a girl? Look at the size of those forearms, yikes!”

  I knew then that this was not a nice guy. Anyone who would make a comment like that about someone is a jerk. He proved me right with several radical political rants.

  No one comes out and says, “Hey, I’m rude and mean.” But if you see them being mean and rude, whether it’s to you or someone else—they are.

  Another date, Tom, took me to a nice restaurant, where he made conversation with the greeter as we were led to our table. When our server came, Tom asked for his recommendation on what was good and discussed meals he’s had at the restaurant before that he liked. After our meal, he took me up to the restaurant’s bar and asked them to make us a drink that has a fancy presentation, and he also ordered us a dessert that’s prepared tableside. The chef came out and shook his hand, and the mixologist thanked us for our interest in the drink and dessert he had prepared for us. I know for sure that everyone we encountered at the restaurant that night felt good after their interactions with Tom. He was a gentleman, and I was impressed.