Do You Like My Wiener?: A non-expert's no-nonsense guide to dating Read online

  That guy who dumped me was a loser. He wasn’t emotionally healthy. Our first minor squabble was the end of our relationship. It was better to leave that relationship sooner than later, even if I left it due to him kicking me to the curb.

  My outlook on getting dumped changed after that. The next time, when a guy told me over a dinner date he’d invited me out on after five weeks of seeing each other that he didn’t think he had enough time to devote to our relationship, I told him I understood completely. I was gracious and amicable.

  When he asked me what I thought, probably expecting me to make a case for us to keep seeing each other, just less often, I told him I thought breaking up was best. I said that when people really want to be with someone, they make time for them.

  Looking back, I realize it takes guts to break up with someone face-to-face. So many men just fade away or ghost you until you figure out it’s over. The closure from a breakup conversation will help you move on, even though it hurts when it happens.

  I’m ridiculously easy to dump. I recommend you be the same way. Any man who wants to dump you is not the man for you. Don’t fight him on it. Accept it, learn from the relationship, and move on.

  When He Dumps You and then Comes Back Later

  Men never cease to amaze me. Sometimes, they’ll ghost you, dump you, or wrong you, and then they’ll return later like nothing happened.

  He’ll be friendly and familiar, asking how you’ve been, and hey, what’s new at work? And you may be so confused, or just so downright impressed with his ability to resurface and play it so cool, that you start talking to him again.

  Don’t do that. If he treated you badly once, he’ll do it again. If he ditched you once because something “better” came along, he’ll do it again. Don’t make excuses for him.

  He may make excuses for himself. I’ve heard, “Hey, sorry I’ve been MIA lately.” And “Hey, sorry things got weird there for a while.”

  Um, this isn’t the military, and things weren’t weird at all. You just ditched me without any explanation. And no, I don’t want to “hang out” this weekend.

  You’re well within your rights to call him out on his behavior. Let him know he blew it with you, but that you still wish him well. And then, go back to looking for a man who wouldn’t dream of hurting you.

  “When you date men who are assholes and jerks after opening your heart and giving your trust to them over and over, you get burnt out and beyond broken.”—Maura, 41

  SOMETIMES A WOMAN dating these days can feel like what she really needs is a black leather mask and suit. Not because she’s into kinky stuff, but because dating is for masochists.

  It gets frustrating. Either you can’t find a good date, or your plate is too full of options and you’re overwhelmed. You start to question the time and hope you’ve wasted. You see other women running into Mr. Right randomly, when they weren’t even trying.

  When the going gets tough, take a break. Dating isn’t something you should be doing because you feel like you have to. Only do it if and when you want to.

  Always stay connected to your friends and family, whether you’re dating or taking a break. Don’t throw yourself into it so hard that you lose sight of the joy you already have from the people in your life.

  Most importantly, always stay connected to yourself. If you find a good therapist, don’t tell yourself you’ll get some guidance and then graduate. If you need to, keep going for as long as you and your therapist think you need to. If you uncover other issues through therapy, like depression or anxiety, get the treatment you need. Dating and the emotional work that goes with it can uncover dormant feelings and resentments. If that’s hard for you, you’re not alone. Take care of yourself and your emotional health above all else.

  If you’re actively trying to find a partner by dating, it probably won’t be easy or immediate. Some women see each failed date or relationship as another reason to just give up.

  Truly, though, each of my failed dates and relationships brought me closer to what I want. Figuring out what I didn’t want brought into focus what I did.

  What matters to you may change as you date different men and see what’s it’s like to be with them. You may realize that height isn’t as big a deal as you thought or that sharing the same religious beliefs is more important than you expected.

  Most things worth having take perseverance. I’ve learned through therapy that it’s not just okay to go after what I want; it’s healthy. I choose to put myself out there, meet and go out with lots of different men, and see what works and what doesn’t.

  Some women choose to sit back and wait for the man of their dreams to organically show up and sweep them off their feet. That may happen, but it may not. I don’t think there’s just one partner out there for anyone.

  Try. Celebrate. Commiserate. Live. Learn. Repeat. You’ll reach your goal eventually. Or maybe your goals will change. No matter what, you’re in control, and that feels good.

  Whatever you do, don’t give up. You’re worthy of having whatever it is you dream of.

  “I just can’t with a man who talks about marriage on the FIRST DATE.”—Me, to my tribe

  THANKS TO SOCIAL media, we’re all more connected than ever. We can share our sweaty gym selfies, dinner menus, and political leanings with the world on a daily basis. And while that has its ups, it also has its downs.

  A big downside of social media is oversharing. And while people overshare about everydamnthing on social media, I’ll stay on topic and talk only about dating and relationships here.

  Too many women today date for sport. They are snarky, mean, and sometimes, downright bitchy. They get gleeful about posting screenshots of photos and summaries from men’s dating profiles on social media, only to make fun of them with their friends.

  Dating isn’t just hard for women, it’s hard for men too. And yeah, maybe his photo is lame and maybe his profile is full of TMI and maybe he can’t spell, but really? Just move on and focus your energy on the profiles you do like.

  The same women who find it perfectly acceptable to bash men publicly would be outraged to see a woman treated that way. It’s never okay. When someone puts their photos and information up in a dating profile, they are not giving permission for it to be copied, shared, and shamed.

  If you are having a laugh over something with a couple close friends, that’s one thing. But posting another person’s profile contents on your social media—whether you display their name or not—is wrong.

  How would you feel if someone did that to you? That’s a question that can be applied across the board with dating (and frankly, life in general).

  A man once whipped out his wiener in my car, remember? And I did *not* see it as justification for pulling out a tit on dates with others.

  You get to decide who you want to be and how you’ll treat others. I strongly encourage you to keep it classy. You’ll never regret it.

  To be clear, I’m talking about public condemnation of men. It’s A-okay to have a major bitchfest with your tribe about men and dating. But don’t use a man’s specific profile to make yourself look clever and funny on social media. You’ll just end up looking mean.

  I apply this same reasoning to the way you treat the men you date or hope to date. If he stops responding to your messages or dumps you because you won’t give him a BJ, see it for the gift it is. He told you who he really is, and now you can stop wasting time on him.

  Long, exclamation point-laced emails and text messages about how awful he is won’t accomplish anything good. You think they’ll make you feel better, and maybe they will . . . for a hot minute. But what you really need in order to feel better is just to move on.

  I’ve gone on first dates with men who ended up being big losers. Drunks, racists, and even a guy who once beat up his ex-wife. No matter how much I vetted them, in-person meetings brought out their true selves. One date was all it took for me to run in the other direction. I never even considered hanging out to tell them w
hy I never wanted to see them again.

  Stay focused on what matters. Don’t feed negativity. Whether you call it karma or something else, we all ultimately reap what we sow.

  *runs off to sow Idris Elba because damn*

  “I don’t ever want to hear the line everyone gives to every woman who has ever been single longer than six months: ‘Oh, you’re beautiful, and you’ll find him when you’re not looking. That’s when it happens.’ I have one word for that line: bullshit.”—Maura, 41

  THERE AREN’T A lot of dating rules that are universally true, but here’s one I know you have to follow to survive:

  When things go bad, laugh about that shit. You have to. Maybe a date was painfully bad, but you survived it and gained some life experience. Find the humor and move forward.

  I once went on a first date with a man in the summer, and I was inwardly cringing when I saw the white sneakers, jean shorts, and dirty white tank top he was wearing. It went from bad to worse when he told me he hadn’t had sex since October. Who offers that up on a first date?

  Then there was the guy whose nose dripped on me repeatedly as we were making out. And the one who paused for a full five seconds after I asked him if his ex-wife was still an issue for him.

  But there have also been so many fun evenings with genuinely nice men who didn’t end up being the one for me, but who still made me laugh and reminded me there’s always hope.

  If you stop seeing the humor in dating, you probably need a break. Those moments of levity as you tell your friends how awkwardly awful a date was should give you a good laugh. If not, dating has become a grind. You need a Girls’ Night Out.

  My friend Maura always finds the humor, even after years of dating.

  “I dated a single dad who was my age, a lot of fun, had a great personality, and was a DJ on the side. However, he was outspoken, bossy, and would tell me what to do. After drawing his finger through the small amount of dust on my dresser—writing “Dust Me”—telling me how to properly freeze my meat, and how my kitchen cupboards were improperly arranged, I ditched him. He then was angry and sent me an article on how to properly freeze meat, after which he apologized and wanted a second chance. I declined.”

  Frustrating as hell? For sure. But when I picture her face as she sees the article on how to properly freeze meat, I crack up every time.

  If a man does something that makes you say, “Really?” find your tribe and say it to them. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

  Every bad date is one date closer to the best date you’ve ever had. And you’re a dating warrior. So roll with the good and the cringeworthy.

  As a single girl, I know you’ll doubt me when I say this, but it’s true. When you’re wrapped up in Mr. Right’s buff arms one day, snuggling and watching Love Actually for the tenth time because it’s his favorite movie too, you’ll realize the journey was actually fun.

  No, really. The wisdom you’re gaining from dating will hopefully be passed on to other women. You’re proving to yourself by dating that you can go after what you want.

  When I was knee-deep in dates, I vented to my friend Jack on the phone one evening. I told him every failed date was a waste of time I could never get back. He disagreed and said, “I see every date as a chance to meet another human and get to know them.”

  That completely changed my perspective. We’re all people, after all, and there’s something beautiful about the collective hope we all have that if we just keep trying, we’ll find our person. I wish every man I’ve ever dated nothing but the best. Even the ones who broke my heart.

  When you’re still dating, the humor and appreciation can be hard to come by. It does, in part, fucking suck, after all. But try. It’ll keep you emotionally healthy, and that’s so important when you’re in the dating game.

  As research for this book, I interviewed single women, and you’ve seen some of their comments in preceding chapters. I also interviewed a couple men, to see what their dating experience has been like. I offer you their insights here—and also the assurance that they are both catches.

  Kyle

  KYLE IS FORTY-ONE, divorced and works in sales. He doesn’t have children. A former pro athlete, he has lots of dating experience. Here’s how he sees things.

  As opposed to when he was younger, Kyle says, “I feel wiser now. I try not to play games with people. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m more conscious of it now.”

  What does he look for in a woman?

  “I think women are beautiful,” he says. “I can find something appealing or attractive about anyone. I want someone who is confident in what they want emotionally and physically.”

  On age, he says, “I don’t have an age preference, as long as the woman is mature and doesn’t get pissy about everything.”

  However, when dating younger women, Kyle says he has found that “there were moments when it was all about them.”

  He once dated a single mom and says he liked doing things with her and her kids.

  “If she has kids, it’s not a problem at all. [But] it would bother me if I could see that the kids were having issues.”

  As for when to meet a girlfriend’s children, Kyle says, “I think, ultimately, it’s her choice. I would have no problem meeting them at any time.”

  Looking at Kyle, you wouldn’t guess he feels self-conscious about anything. He’s well above six feet tall, fit, and classically handsome. But he says he does have an insecurity.

  “It’s my penis because I’m uncircumcised. It’s not the visual norm. Some women have never seen one, played with one, they don’t know what to do with it.”

  He never tells women he’s uncircumcised, because he feels it’s better to let them discover it for themselves. And even if they’re surprised when they see it, he said there’s nothing better than a woman asking him what he likes, because “now she’s taking an interest in me.”

  Jack

  Jack, fifty, is a professor. He is divorced and currently dating. A Navy veteran, he likes women of all types and ages.

  “My ex-wife would complain, upon looking at pictures of past girlfriends, that I didn’t seem to have a ‘type,’” Jack says. “I’ve dated rail-thin women to Army powerlifters. Blondes to African Americans to a woman from Thailand. I would say that facial symmetry is very attractive. And beautiful smiles crush me.”

  Jack likes being a gentleman, but he finds it can be tough in this day and age.

  “I don’t think traditional gender roles are all bad. I like paying for my dates’ dinners. I actually feel slightly bad when a woman insists on paying. And it isn’t because I feel that I won’t get sex (tit for tat bullshit). I just feel that she trusts me and that our relationship is moving forward. I recently went on two dates with a woman, and I paid for the first date but she insisted on paying for the second. I was sad! Even though she makes way more than I, I just wanted to do that for her . . . We haven’t gone out since. (She is not very into me I don’t think.) But that isn’t to say that going ‘dutch’ can’t work, if you communicate everything well.”

  Jack uses a couple online dating sites and has found several dates through them, but he lives in a slightly rural area where finding dates can be challenging. Like many people, he’d like to fall for someone he knows in real life.

  “What I like about falling for someone in that way is that most people I have a very neutral feeling for, neither positive or negative. They are just people. I mean, like a co-worker that seems nice but there is nothing there, and who cares anyway, you are colleagues. But over time, you come to realize that there is a growing bond and that it gets stronger each passing week and that is kinda exciting to fall for someone that was an erstwhile regular friend. Bottom line, it is fun loving someone who, for a long time, you only knew as a friend (but loved them that way too). Online dating doesn’t provide that ‘slow’ option very well. It is a little forced. But what can you do but go with it?”

  As a first date, Jack likes getting
to know a woman better.

  “(I prefer) walking and talking,” he says. “No movies, for sure. I want to talk! Over a beer or wine preferred.”

  SO AFTER READING all this advice from me and my tribe, are you wondering how it has worked for me? Sure, I’ve gotten lots of dates using these techniques, but who wants to be a serial dater? Am I actually a closer?

  First off, even after all my ups and downs with dating, relationships, and marriage, I can say for sure that I’ll do it again if I want to. I’ll never settle again, and I’m someone who wants a life partner again at some point.

  Right now, I’m very happily in an exclusive relationship. I’m private about him, because he’s special to me. And also, our relationship is for us. It’s not about posting adorable photos on social media to project an image of a happy couple.

  I don’t know if we’ll be together forever, and I’m okay with that. Some women dig in their heels and stand by their man no matter what, but I’m not one of them. I need for us to keep being good for each other in order for us to stay together. I need us to grow as a couple while also retaining our individuality. I need joy, laughter, and above all, friendship.

  Just like you shouldn’t get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, you also shouldn’t stay in one for the wrong reasons. I’ve done both of those things, and I’m so relieved I know myself well enough now to never do it again.

  My therapist once told me I deserve to be loved and cherished. I think of those words often. Too many women define love in warped ways.

  He doesn’t cheat on me. He doesn’t complain when I spend money on shoes. He’s stayed married to me for ten years!

  Don’t get me wrong, none of those things is bad. But they also aren’t necessarily love. A man who loves you makes you feel special and important. He makes time for you. He compliments you. He never puts you down. He’s proud of you.